Lost

You know like, when you're feeling that you could just write and write and whole paragraphs and blocks of text just whiz past and time itself seems to stand still as you keep on plodding away at that keyboard, writing out our thoughts as and when you get them and you start feeling lighter with every escaping word that someone would get to read someday and hopefully understand and not judge you for it or hate you or just plain ignore you and then you think that maybe its all just inside your head and the stuff dreams are made of, and then you suddenly think of cotton candy because you're reminded of how soft and bittersweet it is at the same moment, and like clouds that thunder away and you just want to stand in the rain and think about things and how and what it all means and what you're meant to do and how you're ever going to do it and if it even matters at all and how it takes ages and ages to build something up from scratch and how in a moment of fury you can destroy it faster than blinking and how we're all just the same really and no one deserves to not be happy and then you feel sorry for having that much regret pent up inside you and you try to smile and feel blessed and thank Allah for all that he's given you, every little thing that matters and even those that we hardly ever get to know and wouldn't even have thought to ask for, just go on working and being themselves until suddenly there's that one little bugger who decides to kick up a fuss and then you meet them and get to know all about them, and all the while planning how you're going to take them out and send them back to being the non-existential, little flecks of protein they were before they hogged up your bloodstream with the most lethal dose of confused thoughts that keep nagging at you all day long, threatening to make you lose your calm and wanting to just break down and cry and then amidst all that confusion and darkness there's a sudden call for hope and you've heard that call before but you never really understood it, but now you want to yield to its soft beckoning but there's still something holding you back that doesn't really want you to be happy and tells you that its all just a fancy illusion that'll break the moment you step in and leave you hurtling down the sky, forcing upward your heart to the back of your throat as you try to clutch at the branches of those tall oaks that flash past whose wide trunks you used to look up to, wondering about all that was up there, but you're left with nothing more than torn leaves in your hands and you think about your life till then and what it means and if it even meant anything at all and what you would do if you were able to do what you wanted to do and not just wander about like some lost sheep till you find something that really points you to a worthier direction, different from any other path in the jungle before and then you think about battling tigers and encountering sphinxes and all sorts of hidden treasures in the forest but somehow you're not afraid now and you're actually eager to get going because you see these people on the far edge and they look happy and they've got this faint, amused smile on their faces, as if they know exactly the battle that's going on in your head and they even nod at you once or twice and that gives you the courage you needed to get over that final break in the bridge, that missing step from the staircase that you know will lead you wherever you want to go, and then suddenly its not about winning at all and you think about each level as you take it, one step at a time, and then fleetingly, you look around and there are others, and they're all on the same path and then you realize that it's not your path but the only path and that the edge of the forest is the only edge and you want to shout it out to all the others and jump for joy that you've found what it meant before all was lost and you're finally living in the moment.

But I don't think I've found it.

21 comments:

Dawson said...

If not finding it yields in so amazingly random yet skilfully self-manipulated a process -
I envy you. :)

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Going somewhere Sajeel?
Because your words seem to be running on an open highway in such fast speeds that they make take off any moment. There were no full stops, like a gush.
It was like, Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I found it, I found it....and while saying it, in anxiety you get confused and say in the end with a grin.. Oops, I lost it. :P

Nice.

Cheers,
Blasphemous Aesthete

Furree Katt said...

there were no full stops so it got confusing. i don't relate to it, but i guess i could say i get what you mean.

Alec Lindsay said...

Bravo! The Lindsay Prize for the Longest Sentence in the English Language [January award], and this framed certificate* from the Guinness Book of Records goes to Sajeel! And it made perfect sense. Pity it had its own little tragedy at the end. Love, Alec
*I'm keeping that safe for you.

Tazeen said...

James Joyce. *grins*

Tried writing like this once. Got distracted. This was good.

SaJ said...

Dawson: U Absowutewy shur bout dat? :D

Blasphemous Aesthete: Hahaaaha. I like the taking off part. And I seem to have lost it a long while back.:P But on the plus side, I can finally write your name without any typos. Yay! :)

Furree Katt: Stream of consciousness, they call it. Good then.:) Even better that you don't relate to it.

Hah. Thanks Alec :D There is no longest English sentence. And I checked. Mine's only 765 words :) But the January award sounds nice! Keep it safe then. I'll pick it up someday. :)

Thank you, Tazeen. Not all the words that I haven't lost yet. :)

Dawson said...

For once, yes. I be absowutewy shur :)

Asad said...

I have this habit of reading a sentence in one breath, even if I'm not reading it out loud.
This was very difficult to read. :P

ChickLitGirl said...

I know what you mean. I get how you wrote it in one sentence.
You hang in there sunshine.

SaJ said...

Asad: Haha. Your words stirred up a quake overnight. Beware, my friend! ;)

ChickLitGirl: Thank Youu! Hanging and waiting for the solution to present itself. :) I'm tired of looking really.

p.s. You hear that, Sunshine? ;)

NEO said...

Phewww....
Simply Beautiful!

The best way out is always through....:-s

Sakib Ahmad said...

بک رها ہوں جنوں میں کیا کیا کچھ
کچھ نہ سمجھے خدا کرے کوئی

Sana Castellano said...

You will find it. This was a lot.
=)
Check my blog out, something there that you might like! =D

Zo :) said...

Okay.
WOW.
That was amazing.

J Jay. said...

That was good ....you forgot to write 'yet' at the end :) or is it Nirvana ?

Talha said...

Very nice. Loved the way you wrote

puzzled said...

shroo mein kuch samaj lagi....but after reaching the end i understood why u named this post lost.....because it can make u get lost in the flow of words without a fullstop to anchor.

A Great Liar said...

Just wow, dude. I am impressed. (And hey, I am not sayin' it becoz I have to fill in some obscure comment box, I totally mean it.)

btw, ever tried reading a fella called James Joyce. Give him a try, try his Ulysses, you will probably feel rite at home and love every word of it.

And hey, thanks for following the blog. Cheers

SaJ said...

NEO: Haha, I need to learn the Reductor Curse then. :)

Sakib Ahmad: I agree with you wholeheartedly, Sir.

Sana: Thanks again Sana! Haven't gotten around to it yet though.:/ Stupid studies. Meh.

Zo :) Thank you Zo.:)

Jay: Dunno. Smells like teen spirit to me. :P

Thank you Talha. Welcome to the blog. Or whatever this is.

Puzzled: Waisay, ironically it was about finding, not losing.

A Great Liar: Thank You! Yes, I know James Joyce. And I'm looking forward to some real criticism from the writer in you. :)
Question is, should I believe it or not? ;)

Sidrah said...

*lost*

its beautiful.. I likes the cotton candy part Oo
Hope we find our own missing steps.

God bless!

Sakib Ahmad said...

A lovely mix of humour and perceptiveness, your reply. Consider it an honour, being bracketed with Ghalib!